Fashionable Attempts At Being A Fashionably Fashionable Fashionable Person

I tried to write a program
in C# but you can’t do that in PyCharm.
Because PyCharm is for Python.
I feel stupid. I feel like a bowl of rubber bands.
I can’t explain how I feel, it’s difficult.
I have a hard time explaining myself in general.
Sometimes I’m overworked,
sometimes I’m underworked.
I still find a way to complain
because it makes me feel better.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m
competing with everyone
I’m afraid to be wrong in public
or anywhere
because it seems like the moment
you show that you’ve made a
mistake or misspelled something,
someone bites
just to prove that you’re wrong.
It’s useless to think about
because it ends in frustration.
The cold is too cold,
I can’t sit comfortably or stand
comfortably or sleep comfortably
because my body is too tense
from trying to keep warm and it
makes me feel edgy.
I’m tired of know-it-all society
of everyone putting everyone else down
“I’m smarter than you”
it’s mean.
But mean people deserve to be treated nicely.
Everyone does,
even if you aren’t always treated the way you want.
That doesn’t mean others shouldn’t be subjected to unkindness.
I wish driving didn’t exist,
I hate it.
I wish hatred didn’t exist,
I hate it.
I like laughter though, it feels good.
I’m tired of feeling stupid and
I’m tired of comparing myself to others
I’m sick of eating a lot of times
but I do it because it’s necessary.
There’s not much I believe in,
beliefs weigh you down.
I like having a partner,
someone who sees me for me
goes on adventures.
I don’t like groups, I don’t see a lot of use in them.
It took me a long time to achieve what I’ve done.
It still never feels like enough.
It’s always a race to make more money and push people over.
The meaning of life is to not think about life
but the downfall of being human is that you think too much
about things that mean nothing.
Find a speck on the ground and smile, laugh,
not because it’s funny because you can relax and focus on
one thing for one moment, laugh because relaxation feels
good
and so does laughter.
Lately I feel like I just can’t get enough
relaxation, I hunger for sleep but it’s never enough
I’m just constantly tired but too stubborn to go to sleep.
Or do anything to help myself.
I need to draw, paint, make weird musical instruments.
I just can’t get myself to do it right now.
I know it will happen again, once I get better so I
use that hope to help me and the strength from my
partner helps me go along.

Say The Word

There’s this word that I’m always trying to pronounce. The word is peculiar. It’s really hard to say! The funny thing is, the more I try to say it, the harder it is to say. Probably because I’m thinking about it way too much. I know I could listen to a pronunciation of the word but who has time for that nonsense? Plus, I’d rather figure it out myself because I’m stubborn.

I like peculiar, it’s a cool word. I especially like to say it over and over again, I like stumbling over the ‘cu’ and ‘l’ sounds and how my tongue tries to shape itself for ‘cu’ and then frantically tries to make the ‘l’ sound afterward. Then, it’s all finished with a nice, hard ‘r’. It’s a beautiful sounding word, I wish I could pronounce it. Sometimes I try to pronounce it as ‘pecu’-‘liar’ but that never sounds right.

Try saying peculiar. Say it over and over again. Are you having trouble pronouncing it? It’s just a really difficult word for me to pronounce.

By the way, I can say it if I say pecularity before it (that’s the exact spelling, I know that isn’t technically a word, but all words were made up at one point so I think I’m ok). Peculiarity is a form of the word though, but that’s hard to say as well.

Optimism

My mom was telling me the other day about how when I was younger, I always seemed to have a sunny disposition and a joke to tell despite the bullying and my lack of friends. And that’s something I’ve forgotten about lately. I’m always wondering what my strengths are or if I have any. I’m not muscular and not severely intelligent. But I think my strength is being able to find positivity, even in the face of negativity. I think optimism is my strength.

I feel like I’ve forgotten that in recent years, but I don’t think it’s been lost. I still can conjure up optimism, but I don’t always seem to appreciate that about myself. It feels like I don’t acknowledge that quality about myself.

What my mom said felt nice to hear. It moved me and made me feel good. Thank you mom!

Thought Of The Day

Lost sight due to worries
that are really not that
worrisome.

Debts only seem like
being owned by another
if you let them.

Money doesn’t bring
joy or fulfillment,
it breeds sorrow.

As long as there is negative,
there must have been and still
exists, a positive.

The bright side is just
a matter of changing
the environment.

Hatreds Magnum Opus

Stop it
take that and do this and stuff to things.
Hatred for things past that shouldn’t have consequence
anymore
but
still do…

Bullies, rotten people, guarded under the
guise of “He’s got a bad home life”, or some stupid excuse.
I guess that means I have to suffer for his bad home life…
Excuses for the bullies, they always excuse the bad and belittle the innocent.
They can call you skinny, at least you’re not fat.
As if it’s ok to be harassed because of your slightness, your nothingness.

The spite in that valentine: “Happy Valentine’s Day, I hate you”.
You didn’t have to give me a valentine, we’ll, you did because
the whole class had to.

“Why do you smile so much?”, is it a problem to smile?
Was it wrong of myself to enjoy a smile to brighten up my
otherwise terrible day?

Go ahead, put that knife to me because I won’t do the dishes,
I did the rest of the assignment.
For years, I wanted to burn your house down but didn’t because,
I’m not an arsonist, I’m not a violent person, but I hated you.

Still nurturing these thoughts, still giving them a home
after years
and years
and years
of thinking about words and actions that
happened and I can’t get rid of them
can’t dissolve the memory of them.

Magnum Opus, Latin for “great work”
Hatreds great work, no longer so great.
No longer as extravagant.
I’ll leave it in that rubbish over there.
Never return.

Travel

I know credit cards are dangerous, but…

Suppose I sign up for one, paying no attention to the small print and the “low” APR. Fully understanding that it’s not my money I’m spending but not caring whatsoever. Now, with that credit card, I travel the world, with my girlfriend, ignoring the monthly balances and fees. Lasting 5, 10 years, not paying the monthly fees. Just traveling and experiencing everything we can. I think we could get away with it!

In reality I know we couldn’t, we would be stopped pretty quick. The credit card company would figure out what we were up to in no time at all. How is one making a semi-almost-decent salary, tied down to a desk, supposed to see the world?

Oh well, that’s what my imagination is for! Luckily that imagination is a finely tuned, world cultured, jet-set machine ready to take me to Morocco or Zimbabwe in an instant. Who needs waiting in line at an airport, being groped by overly-eager security guards who make fun of your phone because it’s not a “smart” phone? In my mind I’m already basking in the sun and chugging can after can of Dr. Pepper Cherry (my favorite soda), and swimming in crystal clear waters with my amazing girlfriend by my side of course!